TORONTO, ON ― Multi-property owners, real-estate agents, and proponents of supply-side economics are praising the GTA housing market’s trickle-down success, whereby any water not filling their in-ground swimming pools will eventually find its way to the roofs of their modern-day towers of Babel, and thence drip onto the underpaid UberEats workers below.
“If you think about it, thanks to equally slow action on other problems, like droughts caused by climate change or poisoned tap water in Indigenous communities, many would say water is extremely valuable. And you’re welcome to whatever you can towel out of your hair with the newspaper that doubles as your duvet,” said Jennifer Anderson, who owns a large property that was purchased decades ago and has appreciated astronomically ever since.
“Not that we’ll accept it as payment for a house or anything,” she added quickly, before turning back to her citizen-led campaign to shut down a homeless encampment nearby.
“Saving for a house is about making small cutbacks on expenses,” advised baby boomer Steven Forster. “For example, instead of buying expensive tofu, invest in just one mousetrap for your shabby apartment, and you’ve got a free source of nutritious meat! If it’s too bland, I always leave my empty $200 wine bottles on my doorstep, so you can take the 10-cent deposit and buy a single-serve ketchup packet to put on your grilled mouse.”
When asked to explain, once more, why raising taxes on wealth or secondary properties to fund programs that support the poor and middle-class is somehow less beneficial for those prospective recipients than letting the rich save their money, pass it down to their kids, then continue saving it, conservative economist Lloyd Harrison IV offered an everyday example.
“See, if the wealthy had to pay higher taxes, we couldn’t afford to pave our driveways and upgrade our perfectly functional phones, so we’d have to pick cheaper options like paving stones. The dirt between the stones absorbs rainwater, whereas pavement forms puddles from which the poor can lap like dogs, saving them money on water bills. It’s win-win!”
At press time, the dead-eyed millennials of Toronto had, when presented with that argument, unanimously nodded and responded, “Got it. Do you want fries with that?” before slumping back into their daily five hours’ rest.
