There comes a time in every relationship when we must ask ourselves: is he really into me, or is he just using me… to free his family from the curse bestowed upon them by a witch long ago? Of course, there is only one way to know for sure: a random Internet quiz. Here’s how to know if he’s in it for better or for worse, or just to lift the curse.
1. Which of these most closely describes your current beau?
Hot, has a name that begins with T or J, holding a fish in his profile picture.
Tall, dark, and mysterious. Answers every question with another question, eyes like a possessed gargoyle, possibly has a criminal record.
Male, virginal, lacking in friends who may question his whereabouts.
2. How did you two lovebirds meet?
He sent me a dick pic on Tinder and I knew he was the one.
He came to me in a dream, then materialized before my very eyes the next day in the school cafeteria.
He answered my siren’s song as I called out to him from my isolated woodland abode.
3. What’s his apartment like?
He’s got a futon on the floor, one towel, and a bra he says his sister left there.
He lives in his ancestral family home, with his parents, nine siblings, a singing teapot, and his weird Great Aunt Ruth who doesn’t speak. Or blink.
He has a mirror in his bedroom, which I use to watch him and ensure he remains pure.
4. What is your favourite thing about your guy?
The fact that he’s so comfortable around other women. It’s such a red flag when guys don’t have other girlfriends – I mean, girl friends.
The way he keeps a vial of my blood around his neck and a lock of my hair in his pocket at all times. He can’t get enough of me!
His chastity.
5. Have you met his family?
Not yet. He says his parents are, like, really busy.
Yeah, and they loved me. His dad said he couldn’t wait to make me a part of them forever, and his mom said she could eat me right up!
Yes. His twin brother will make a suitable substitute, if the need arises.
6. How is he in the sheets?
Hard to say, since he doesn’t even own a sheet.
He says we must wait to consummate our relationship until the stroke of midnight on the eve of the full moon. Isn’t that romantic?!
He’s saving himself for me… or so he thinks.
7. What is your primary love language?
Texting back. He says he’s working on it.
A three-way tie between Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, and Receiving Gifts – and he does all three! It’s like he can read my mind or something.
Ancient Etruscan.
QUIZ: Is he really into you, or does he just need your love to break his family’s curse?
He ain’t cursed, but he ain’t into you
Call his dick pic a self-portrait, because this guy is a total peen. He’s playing you, and you deserve better. He may not be cursed, but trapping him in a frog’s body or turning his balls magenta might teach him a thing or two about respecting women. Just a thought.
QUIZ: Is he really into you, or does he just need your love to break his family’s curse?
He’s cursed AF
You better quench your thirst because this dude is CURSED. He isn’t into you at all, just your ability to make his family mortal or ascend into cosmic gods or some shit. Run for the hills, girl, because this guy, like so many others, is only after one thing: hex. Specifically, lifting the one on his family.
QUIZ: Is he really into you, or does he just need your love to break his family’s curse?
He isn’t cursed, but you sure as hell are
You and I both know who wears the pants in this relationship. And by pants, I mean curse. Girl, you are cursed as all hell, and honestly? Good for you. You drink his blood or sacrifice his ass or do whatever that trusty old grimoire tells you to do to get ahead in this straight white man’s world of ours. There’s no one way to smash the patriarchy. You do you.
