HEAVEN ― A recent survey of over 10 million residents of Christian Heaven has revealed that a large majority become “somewhat” or “very” unhappy during their first millennium.
“Once you’ve finished the Internet, appreciated all the great art that will ever exist, and mastered every sport, there’s nothing to do but listen to God brag about how much brimstone he can lift,” complained one participant.
“And there’s no thrill to anything when you know you can’t die. Sure, I always have an audience if I want one for my games of Russian Roulette, but pulling the trigger without flinching just doesn’t impress the ladies up here like it did on Earth.”
In the wake of the findings, Heavenians are ramping up calls for action. Given the exponentially increasing population and angels’ infinite free time, protests have grown to sizes that make even God uncomfortable, claims one anonymous source.
The poll is good news for Helligonians, however, as it suggests that the disparity in afterlife satisfaction between residents of Heaven and Hell disappears completely by age 600.
“Oh yeah, giving people too much of what they want is one of my favourite tortures. I take cannibals and feed them human flesh until they literally explode. It’s hilarious! And then I put them back together and do it again. Why do you ask?” said Satan when reached for comment.
“Wait, what? They do that in Heaven too? Damn it, that kind of ruins my fun.”
Although few polls have been conducted in other paradises, anecdotal evidence suggests similar results.
“When I was alive, I survived a famine with a dozen fat pigs in a nearby field. I resisted the urge to make pork chops, but I shouldn’t have bothered. I’ve fucked so many virgins by now, they make me sick,” said a long-term citizen of Islamic Heaven. “They say you get everything you want here, but Allah won’t let me die no matter how often I ask.”
Reincarnation received better reviews. “I suppose I do question what the ultimate goal is. Just living and dying and living and dying… But there’s only a moment between bodies when you remember your former lives, so it’s not too bad,” said one Hindu spirit travelling from his corpse in India to the newborn puppy in France he was scheduled to inhabit next. “Fuck! I’m going to be a poodle?”
In related news, a second survey has found that the prevailing view of afterlife among agnostics is “can’t say / don’t know.”
