PICKERING, ON – Maci Livingston, a 28-year-old programmer recently made home-made muffins for a small get-together she was having, claiming her cat Pumpkin, 2, helped bake them despite the fact that she just sat there looking like a dumbass the whole time.
“Walking into the party and taking one look at Pumpkin, I can tell she’s a dipshit,” said Zoey Melendez, a fellow party-goer after trying a muffin and spitting it back out. “All night, that dunce was getting caught in anything. Plastic bags, piles of clothes, railings, a flat blanket. She even got caught in a stick. Just one stick.”
Livingston has been known to claim her cat does many things that are clearly not possible after one look into this complete fucking idiot’s void and vacant eyes. Recently, Livingston posted a photo to her Instagram with shit-for-brains Pumpkin by her side and the caption, “Pumpkin helping me get some work done.” Most comments on the photo mentioned how the cat can barely understand English words like “down” and “dinner” let alone an entire coding language.
When reached for questioning, Livingston told us while cleaning Pumpkin’s vomit, “She’s my little personal assistant! She helps me fold laundry, water my plants, and recently she helped me reconnect with my estranged father. I owe everything to Pumpkin.”
When asked how exactly Pumpkin helped with the muffins, Livingston said, “Lots of ways. She boosted morale, watched to make sure I did a good job, and sniffed all the ingredients to make sure they weren’t poisonous.” Despite this, many guests claimed to get food poisoning later that evening from the muffins.
Many who attended the party were not impressed. Melendez continued, “Our friend Kody recently adopted a German Shepard. Not just any German Shepard, a former drug-sniffing German Shepard. And Maci’s going around saying Pumpkin is this hot little pastry chef?! Get a real job, Pumpkin!”
Another party goer, claimed they found cat hair, litter, and maybe even cat food in the muffins, ultimately making the muffins worse due to Pumpkin’s “help”.
At press time, Pumpkin was seen dunking her whole ass head in a toilet and then getting pissed that she was wet.
