OTTAWA — Tragic! Fans of the far-right neo-fascist group the Proud Boys Canada were deeply saddened to learn this week that the self-styled defenders of Western chauvinism are breaking-up citing ‘irreconcilable differences’.
While the ‘Boys’ have been on hiatus since February after they were designated a terrorist group by the Canadian government, longtime fans hoped they would return rejuvenated and ready to dispense their unique brand of vile xenophobic bullshit.
Proud Boy frontman and car wash attendant Jerry Higgens spoke of the group’s struggles behind the scenes: “We were tired of being the Proud Boys Canada and wanted to explore being overtly racist on our own terms. People need to understand that Canadian racism is not just American racism lite. We’ve been at the forefront of white supremacy for years!”
In addition, Higgens spoke of a growing disillusionment internally over the group’s goals. “We were making money hand over fist to funnel to ultraconservative causes just doing our old classics like intimidating minorities or cheering on extremist violence. But we didn’t get into hatred for the money, we got into it because the world was changing and we were very scared.”
While the group’s sudden dissolution comes as a shock, it does leave room for a reunion tour. But don’t go booking your tickets yet, Higgens tells his fans.
“I am super open to a future collab with my brothers at being the fucking worst but right now we’re moving in different directions. Like, I feel our top priority is building an all-white ethnostate where the women willingly have sex with us, while they’re more focused on dismantling the Zionist cabal that controls all media except Fox News.”
The fragmented former Proud Boys have already reorganized themselves into several new hate groups on Telegram including the Rowdy Boys, the Glad Lads and Proud Boyz 2 Men, though the last group is currently fighting a cease-and-desist from Universal Music Group.
With the wind at his back and a Proud Boy no longer, Higgens mused on what his future might hold. “With no more orders or oaths, for the first time I’m in full control of my future. Maybe I’ll become an actor; does Mel Gibson still make movies?”
