VANCOUVER – Vowing to get back on track after weeks of dubious eating, 26-year-old UX designer Landon Renault reaffirmed his commitment to leading a healthier lifestyle by only consuming the white part of half a dozen Cadbury Creme Eggs.
The Vancouverite began the new breakfast ritual roughly three weeks ago after noticing a decline in both his mood and energy, and watching half of a fitness guru’s Instagram story.
“I used to eat cereal for breakfast, but if you check the nutritional label you’ll see it’s basically all sugar. Plus, there are no labels on Cadbury Creme Eggs,” noted Renault, serving himself a helping of the grainy white sludge carefully scraped out of the popular egg-shaped Easter treat.
This isn’t the first time, Renault has experimented with an unorthodox diet for health reasons. According to friends and family, he was briefly hospitalized in 2018 while undertaking a modified paleo diet after reasoning cavemen probably didn’t wash their food.
When asked if he was worried about variety in his new diet, Renault responded: “Eventually I might start eating the chocolate part too because of the antioxidants, but I’m definitely going to steer clear from the yolks,” referring to the droplet of yellow colouring agent added to give the candy item the appearance of eggs.
Renault was quick to offer the many ways his new paste-based diet has improved his quality of life. “[The new diet] has really super-charged my body in such a short period of time too! Like my heart is always beating super fast even when I’m laying down and I don’t want to brag but the extra protein intake is making me hella swole.” gesturing to his visibly swollen lymph nodes.
At press time, Renault was telling all within earshot how great “clean eating” was making him feel moments before crumpling into a diabetic coma.
