CALGARY – A local man who has somehow miraculously forgotten that he’s been locked inside for a year is scrambling to put together a gift for his one year COVID anniversary.
“I just don’t know how I could forget,” says Dirk Connors, who also forgot to put on pants before the interview. “When everyone said it was March, I assumed they meant we were still in March 2020.”
With limited time remaining to get a gift for COVID, Connors turned to Google for ideas. He initially went with the Internet’s most popular suggestion, the traditional first anniversary theme of paper – only to discover that COVID despises porous surfaces.
“It said that, one year in, I should really know that by now,” Connors shares, embarrassed.
Hoping to make up for his disastrous first gift with something slightly more special, Connors searched instead for “ways to treat a virus.” Inspired by several articles touting the significance of homemade gifts, Connors decided to treat COVID to a special home-cooked meal of chicken noodle soup. Unfortunately, that too ended with Connors in hot water.
“It said I was just treating it like I would any other virus,” he said.
Connors then went on a quest to get his hands on the one gift everybody in the world wants more than anything: a COVID-19 vaccine. Though he was initially certain that this would get him back in COVID’s good graces, the gift only ended in tears, with COVID accusing Connors of trying to change it.
After turning to his friends to decode months’ worth of hints as to what the virus actually wanted, Connors was able to provide COVID with the perfect gift: an indoor surprise party of over two hundred people with buffet-style catering.
