TORONTO – Upon learning that the Proud Boys have been designated a terrorist group, Toronto chapter member Steven Bloom was at a loss to explain how an organization that orders its members to only jerk off once a month in the name of saving western civilization could have fallen so low.
“When I joined a gang named after its founder’s enraged misunderstanding of an Aladdin song, I thought it stood for something serious,” Bloom said. “We just wanted to assault people until that somehow transformed the country into a fascist ethnostate, and now we’re being called terrorists?”
“Yes, Gavin McInnes may look like a misshapen walrus going through a midlife crisis, but when he opined on how I could save the white race by limiting my exposure to my own penis I immediately knew he was the man I should build my entire worldview around.”
The Proud Boys, who have been busted for cocaine possession and encourage heavy drinking, maintain that the restriction is meant to encourage discipline and bodily health.
“I can’t believe we’ve been reduced to this. People like us created the modern world,”
Bloom said, mistaking himself for a variety of other people who worked to better society while he sat around getting lonely and angry on the internet.
At press time, a confused Bloom was asking, “Wait, so… can I crank it more now, or do I have to stop completely?”
