TORONTO ― An Ipsos poll released today found that 100% of voters who identified themselves as having voted Liberal in the last federal election had strategically voted that way.
Of the 2400 participants, weighted to represent the demographics of Liberal voters, every single one responded that the party with which their personal policies were best aligned was the NDP, but maintained they had never “been stupid enough” to vote for them.
“These findings clearly show that believing you are wasting your vote by voting NDP is a self-fulfilling prophecy,” said study author and self-described reluctant Liberal Percy Arthur. “And also that 33% of Canadian voters are snivelling cowards.”
A childhood friend of Justin Trudeau, speaking on condition of anonymity, informed the press soon after the study’s release that the prime minister had once considered running as a New Democrat, before deciding that the Liberals offered better career prospects.
Some voters expressed frustration upon discovering that they could have had Jagmeet Singh as prime minister, but others are heartened by the findings. Liberal voter Robin Lee said she had always believed that the Liberals were the best Canada could do.
“Now, when I die in a heatwave brought on by global warming, I’ll do so secure in the knowledge that we could easily have solved the Indigenous water crisis, taken decisive action on climate change, and strengthened human rights if we had only tried,” she declared. “Thinking about that gives me a warm feeling of hope… or maybe that’s the greenhouse effect.”
At press time, the most recent national poll showed that the Liberals were up three points.
