St. Catharines, ON – Amid the second wave of the COVID-19 pandemic, 49-year-old Ontario resident Shirley Mills has informed family and friends that she refuses to live in fear of the virus, and will instead continue to live her life in overwhelming and completely debilitating fear of socialism.
“Things have gotten ridiculous. People think they need to wear all this protective gear just to leave the house,” said Mills, who keeps a Pump-Action Winchester shotgun under her pillow at all times in case Antifa decides to seize control of her Southern Ontario cul-de-sac. “They’re terrified of something that has almost no chance of killing them.”
Mills, a chronic asthma sufferer who collected CERB throughout the pandemic, scoffed at the idea that anyone should worry about a poorly-understood virus with no available cure.
“People are really going crazy with this virus stuff,” continued Mills, who spends much of her free time moderating the “Justin Trudeau is a Communist Sleeper Agent,” “Moms Against Marxism,” and “Harmonized Sales Tax Killed Princess Diana” Facebook groups. “If they just educated themselves a little bit, they’d realize that they’re blowing this fear totally out of proportion.”
Ms Mills’ assertion that she would be gathering with her extended family for celebrations of “love, Christ and unfettered Randian capitalism” was disputed by her oldest son, Paul.
“We told Mom that we’re not getting together this year because of the pandemic, but really it’s because she won’t stop telling our five-year that the Prime Minister is the illegitimate son of Fidel Castro,” he said, shaking his head. “We had to meet with his principal after he explained what a “Cuban commie swinger’s party” is to the rest of his kindergarten class.
At press time, Shirley Mills had not yet responded to her son’s claims, as she was busy standing maskless in a Superstore parking lot, screaming that the lineup for a sanitized shopping cart looked just like a Venezuelan bread line.
