RICHMOND, BC – A press release from Boston Pizza has announced an exciting new menu item of overpriced cheese and beef that technically qualifies as food.
“Boston Pizza is proud to be the restaurant that makes all Canadians say ‘Whatever, I guess it’s right there’” the release read. “And now our menu of hastily thawed culinary abominations is expanding with some new options that even our harshest critics agree are legally fit for human consumption.”
The new meals include French Fry Tacos, a Quadruple Bacon Garden Salad, whatever a Milwaukee Lasagna is, and an appetizer that’s just three scoops of ground chuck smothered in melted cheddar dubbed ‘The Beef Trick.’ “And yes,” the description reads, “you can just shamefully point at the picture!”
“We can’t wait to serve our loyal diners indigestion inducing mediocrities they’re only eating because they couldn’t agree on one of the few other culinary destinations we haven’t yet driven from the suburbs,” the press release continued. “We know our prices may look steep, but that’s only because you’re getting three days’ worth of your recommended fat, salt, and cholesterol intake packed into a single regretful meal.”
“And while we’re currently only open for takeout and delivery, we’re excited to eventually reopen our doors and get back to charging diners $14.75 for a badly poured pint of Canadian,” the press release concluded. “What, are you going to watch hockey at home like an asshole? Yeah, that’s what we thought.”
At press time, your father was ordering Fettaguini al Porko from one of Boston Pizza’s 34 new locations.
