WASHINGTON, D.C. ― In a series of tweets, Donald Trump announced today that any American who wanted to receive a COVID-19 vaccine would have to first provide proof of voter fraud.
“Thanks to Yours Truly, we have MANY beautiful vaccines for the China Virus, which will come out BEFORE the Electoral College casts its votes (for me). But I need you to do something for me though,” read the first tweet, at 3 AM.
“THIS IS NOT A QUID PRO QUO!!!!” Trump tweeted an hour later.
One Twitter user expressed excitement, writing that they were usually an anti-vaxxer, but “President Trump says this miracle cure [sic] is safe, and his supporters should get it before anyone else.”
In a press conference this afternoon, Trump confirmed his tweets warning that vaccinating everyone without demanding the biggest, best bags of thrown-out Trump ballots as payment would be “socialism” and that people with evidence of fraud in swing states would be first in line, followed by Supreme Court Justices, Republican state legislators, and Rudy Giuliani.
He then warned that “Crazy Nancy [Pelosi] wants to use Barack-Hussein-Obamacare to give all the vaccines to anarchist Philadelphia where bad things, very ― just tremendously bad things, they happen there ― and they’ll give real Americans a fake vaccine,” before abruptly ending the press conference.
At press time, a North Carolina man who had found and turned in 80 000 uncounted votes for Joe Biden was rewarded with a vaccine that smelled suspiciously like bleach.
