WASHINGTON, D.C. – The American National Aeronautics and Space Administration held a press conference today to announce their discovery that the Moon will soon be forcing every lycanthrope into their wolf form in an act of pure lunar arrogance.
“We cannot stress enough how dangerous it will be for the human race when the Moon activates all our werewolves, or how the little the Moon cares about the consequences of this action,” said Dr. Claudia Jimenez, NASA’s Chief Lunar Behaviorist. “The Moon is being, to put it bluntly, a real asshole about this.”
“Because it’s so bright and beautiful, humanity tends to give the Moon the benefit of the doubt and to forget that the Moon has a real dark side. Turning people into ravening lupine predators is just one example of that. It also enjoys periodically blocking the sun to try to freak us out.”
While NASA is still unable to explain how sunlight reflected off of the lunar surface causes human beings to shapeshift into wolves, what they do know is that the Moon is in full control of this effect and all their data indicates the Moon will soon unleash wolfish hell on Earth for “shits and possibly giggles.”
“We can’t say for certain why the Moon behaves this way, other than that it’s the solar system’s biggest jerk,” Jimenez said. “There’s a reason Earth only has one natural satellite while most planets have several, and it’s because our moon is a real garbage astronomical body that none of the other astronomical bodies want to be around.”
NASA’s scientists were unable to pinpoint when exactly the activation of the werewolves will take place, but warned that assumptions that it would happen on a full moon were faulty as the Moon will likely get more of a kick out of doing it when humanity isn’t expecting it, like during a new moon or even on a Wednesday.
“We don’t know when it will happen, all we can say for certain is that a mass lycanthropic event will take place soon, and it will take place because the Moon is a messy planetoid who loves wolfy drama,” Jimenez explained. “Just a real piece of celestial shit.”
NASA has also cautioned the public to stop blaming Mercury being in retrograde for all their problems, Mercury cannot help that and is actually a pretty cool planet once you get to know it.
