Selkirk, MB – During a recent Zoom hang your friend Matt asked if you will be refraining from drinking this month, because he’s a piece of shit who should shut his shit mouth.
“Am I going to give up drinking this month?,” you responded, staring at his face in the top right hand corner of the 4 person call. “In the midst of a second wave of a pandemic, when I can’t see my family for fear I might call them, while I spend all my free time reading articles and polls in order to determine whether the U.S. is going to vote for a fascist again? Um… probably not.”
“I’m actually thinking of trying this new thing I just heard about called, ‘Do All The Drugs October.’ Not as catchy a title, but much more fun.”
That douchebag Matt was referring to the tradition where people in their 20s and 30s, after a summer spent drinking and partying with friends at cottages, baseball games, bars and basically anywhere that isn’t their own apartment, opt to get healthy for a month by abstaining from alcohol. However that idea isn’t particularly appealing to a lot of people this year for some reason.
“Previously we’ve estimated about 5% of the adult Canadian population participates in Sober October,” said University of Manitoba professor Erik Glenn. “But in 2020 we expect it will only be Matt and other fuckhead fucks like him.”
“I just think it might be fun to set booze aside for a while and focus on all the other things we have going on in our lives,” said the guy who will hopefully be focusing on getting run over by a train any day now.
The zoom call ended when Matt suggested a fun game of Quiplash and everyone simultaneously hung up on him.
