PORTLAND, OR – After reports of unidentified federal agents pulling protesters off the street and into unmarked vans, the US Department of Homeland Security has assured citizens the snatchings are only a prologue to “some cool, old school fraternity hazing”.
“I can’t understand how people think these warrantless arrests without detainees being read their rights would lead to anything other than some sick keg stands,” explained DHS acting head Chad Wolf. “And of course you can trust me as an authority on fraternity antics – I’m a white Republican named ‘Chad Wolf’.”
“Now seriously Portlandites, get in the unmarked vans and don’t resist,” Wolf then emphasized.
For the past week, cell phone videos have depicted unmarked federal officers assaulting peaceful protesters on Portland’s streets – now, it appears, this was all meant as part of a routine DHS hazing ritual. “We figured Portland was cool,” explained one camouflage-clad officer who repeatedly refused to identify himself or his federal department. “Our entire plan was to scare people a bit, blindfold them, take them to an offsite location, and then surprise them with a dope toga party and some jello shots.”
“Speaking of which, turn around so I can zip-tie your hands. Now,” the officer added.
The DHS went on to explain how the unmarked officers, a loose “basically legal” coalition of agents from Border Patrol and US Marshals, were dispatched in response to recent protests in the city of Portland. In lieu of listening to protesters demands to reform and defund the police, DHS instead elected to de-escalate the situation with a more frat-like approach involving secretive abductions. Other examples of the officers’ “frat hazing hijinx” have included tear gas, baton beatings, and firing rubber bullets into crowds.
“Sure we play a little rough, but it’ll all be worth it when we break out the beer pong later on,” explained Wolf. “It’s gonna be just like that awesome Will Ferrell/ Vince Vaughan movie, except instead of paddle spankings we’re gonna hold protesters indefinitely without charge or access to a lawyer.”
Reached for comment, local Portland protester Aidan Fellows said, “I was surprised when they threw me into a van and drove off at high speed, but the bag over my head felt pretty frat-like, I suppose.”
Fellow then added, “Also, where are you taking me, and please tell my family where I went!”
In a related story, President Trump and Attorney General Barr were recently seen discussing a map of major US cities, ominously labelled “Rush Week”.
