VANCOUVER – A local man has been hospitalized for what medical professionals are calling “a severe case of DRE: Drag Race Exhaustion”.
Paramedics were reportedly called in after twenty-eight-year-old self-identified homosexual Darrel Martins death-dropped to the floor and didn’t get up. “At first, I was living,” said friend Jacob Holland, “But then he didn’t move for three minutes, and that’s when we knew something was wrong.”
“I’ve never seen anything like this,” said renowned epidemiologist Doctor Jane Sizmore, who has since stabilized Martins. “At first we thought it was COVID, but then another patient came in displaying the same symptoms, and then another and another. It’s sickening when you don’t know what to do – and not in a good way.”
According to Doctor Sizmore, it wasn’t until reviewing intake forms that she noticed a pattern. Under the description of symptoms, all four patients wrote “uncontrollable gooping and gagging”; for previous medications “Rolaskatox”; and as their emergency contact they all listed “Mama Ru @ fracking ranch”.
Doctor Sizmore has launched an official study into the phenomenon of what she’s now calling Drag Genus Lassitudinem or “Drag Race Exhaustion”, caused by the overconsumption of the franchise. She suspects it’s origins derive from what she is citing as Shangelus Spoliatus or the time “Shangela was robbed”.
“It’s still pretty hazy but I remember feeling weird after the Christmas Special,” began Darrel Martins, from his bed in the recovery ward. “From there, we went straight into Season 12, which was a journey considering the whole Sherry-who-shall-not-be-named controversy. Not to mention the simultaneous premier of Celebrity Drag Race PLUS Untucked, which you can’t miss because then you only know half the story!”
Martins went on to explain that a week after the Season 12 finale, All Stars Five premiered which has now started to overlap with Canada’s Drag Race, before hyperventilating and passing out.
“And now RuPaul’s Vegas Revue?! Christ, it’s like running a marathon and then being asked to run four more!!” Martins gasped, before attending physicians placed him on emergency oxygen.
Although Doctor Sizmore is optimistic a vaccine will be available next year, in the meantime she recommends viewers watch the show in moderation and to space out the viewings, over multiple streaming platforms. Some fans have heeded the warning, thanking Doctor Sizmore, while others responded with “yes, but how will we stay up to date on which queen of colour to dump on?!”
At press time, Public Health has issued a warning for people to ease up on listening to Lady Gaga’s Chromatica album after a wave of homosexuals were found in a catatonic state mumbling “babble on”.
Public Health also advises people experiencing any symptoms to seek medical assistance right away and not use the musical transition of Chromatica II into 911 to call for help.
