THE INTERNET – Amid mass shortages of supplies of daily necessities like toilet paper and cleaning products, anxiety has started to increase with respect to a shortage of pornography available online.
“The average porn consumer watches between 16 to 18 hours of pornography non-stop each and every day,” said Dr. Emil Turnheimer of the University of Lower Detroit. “At that rate the population will totally exhaust the currently available reserves of porn online within three weeks, assuming dehydration doesn’t get to them first.”
The concern among suppliers is not increased demand, but rather the inability to produce any new products during these times of social distancing. Statistics have revealed that the top five pornography producers in North America generated only 35,000 new fuck films in the preceding week, a drop of 88% from normal times.
“You ever try to shoot a scene with Lord of the Rings-style forced perspective to make it seem like two performers are actually close to one another? Or to choreograph a pop shot when the performers have to maintain a distance of two metres at all times? I mean the sheer prostate pressure and aim necessary just boggles the mind,” reported Don Chode, a Las Vegas porn producer. “Our mop budget is through the roof these days.”
Porn that is being produced is already reflecting the realities of social distancing in the current pandemic. Narratives now involve: pizza delivery boys leaving a pizza on the front porch before retreating to the safety of his car and masturbating furiously; busty nurses making sure they are adequately covered in personal protective equipment before conducting a thorough physical of their patients; and University professors forced to seduce naive schoolgirls via Zoom app.
That said, some porn industries are experiencing an upsurge in sales, with BDSM movies becoming incredibly popular, given the natural protection offered by gimp suits. Titles have also pivoted to appeal to people undergoing social distancing measures including: “Flattening Your Curve”, “PPE-nis”, and “Anthony Fuckci’s Backdoor Bangers IX”.
“I realize that there’s already a lot of porn online already but if I don’t get a constant stream of new, titillating content beamed directly into my brain, I’ll just lose it! Believe me, I’ve seen it all!” said Mike Dent, a local porn aficionado.
“ALL OF IT!!!” he emphasized.
To combat the situation, the Federal Reserve will be calling in auxiliary porn reserves and releasing its emergency stockpile of old Tijuana Bibles and skin mags. The War Measures Act has already been invoked to compel companies to convert their current assembly lines to start pumping out nothing but the hardest core pornography. Families have also been issued an emergency crate of porn and been asked to ration it out to family members slowly until porn levels climb back to previous highs.
Finally, Prime Minister Trudeau has announced that Porn Bonds featuring completely nude Canadian politicians will be available for purchase as a means of fundraising during these dark times
Medical professionals recommend that, until porn production can resume its past volume, consumers simply rub oddly shaped root-vegetables against each other and imagine really hard.
