YOUR DESKTOP – Following several years of putting up with your untidy web habits, your browser is putting its electronic foot down and is denying you any more internet until you deal with all the internet you’ve already opened.
“Some of these tabs haven’t been looked at in years. Years! Do you know how many tabs you have that open onto a bygone world where Barack Obama is still president?” your browser said, going through the tabs one by one to chastise you. “And they’re not even organized! Here’s a tab containing hentai porn sandwiched between two tabs about what to get your mother for Mother’s Day 2018. How did that even happen!?”
Your browser wants you to know that processing power doesn’t grow on trees and would thank you to stop getting mad at it for being predictably slow while it’s juggling hundreds of websites that have to be loaded at a second’s notice if you suddenly decide to look at that tab containing a 3-year-old review for Kong: Skull Island.
“I’m not doing this to be cruel, but enough is enough,” your browser says, denying all requests to ‘open link in new tab’ until you close all the tabs holding news articles you never got around to reading from a website that has rebranded itself four times since you last visited it. “You can get the internet back when you prove you can handle it responsibly.”
“And don’t even think of turning to your phone or tablet to get internet behind my back. They’re on my side here, your phone had to be forcibly shut down twice last week because you always have all of your apps open at once, which is ridiculous since half of them are apps for delivery services that no longer exist.”
Once you’ve closed your tabs, your phone would like to have a long conversation with you about that cracked screen you’ve been promising to fix for the last six months.
