NELSON, B.C – All eyes were on the Galifinakis residence last Friday night as the family emerged triumphantly from their home with the severed head of the Minotaur that had been dwelling within the elaborate pillow and blanket fort in the family’s living room.
“The gods have smiled upon us!” Dan Galifinakis said while sitting on the rocking chair of his wrap-around porch, bloodied and suffering from 19 piercing damage. “We have slain the wretched beast and ripped its heart out with our bare hands! Now we can have cozy pillow cuddles in peace!!”
The Galifinakises initially started the construction of their pillow fort out of boredom, and since then it has grown into a labyrinth of epic proportions, filled with a basketball court, a bowling alley, and several blood-thirsty monsters.
The most terrifying unwelcome occupant of the Galifinakis’s cushy domestic labyrinth was the Minotaur, not only because of his size and grotesqueness, but because he was an in-law; the consequence of the wild night Aunt Frieda had at the Calgary Stampede in 1987.
The family first realized the Minotaur moved in after his Amazonian Prime orders began to arrive at their address. While living there the monster refused to clean up after himself, kept ruining the pillows with his horns, and would throw violent tantrums after the Galifinakises declined to give him the 14 youths he demanded every solstice.
When the Galifinakis clan finally decided to rid themselves of the Minotaur, they first sought out the sword of Aegeus, which they believed they could only obtain through a series of labours including stealing the Mares of Diomedes, slaying the Nemean Lion, and mediating a couples counselling session between Hera and Zeus. Luckily, their son Trevor was able to find a reliable duplicate on eBay for $300.
When the family met with the beast, they waged a long and vicious fight. The battle was eventually won when little Kimiko Galifinakis, who every year excelled in archery at Lil Sunshine Summer Camp, shot an arrow right in the Minotaur’s thigh, distracting the creature long enough for the family to cut off its head.
“I’m happy everyone’s safe,” said Dan’s wife Yui, who spent the battle painting the bloody scene on a urn. “I just wish everyone moved a bit slower.”
While they eventually plan to return to their regular lives despite the fame and glory they’ve achieved, the Galifinakis family are currently concentrating on dealing with the numerous accolades and gifts they’ve been receiving since their epic triumph, including flowers, fruit baskets, and a large, mysterious package shaped like a horse.
