TORONTO – As lockdown-induced boredom sets in across Canada, many people are turning to alcohol to liven up their socially-isolated lives. When faced with long LCBO lines and expensive delivery fees, a few brave souls discovered that when they chant “It’s five o’clock somewhere” into a mirror three times in a row, wine will immediately be delivered to their houses.
Mandy Swinton, 32, said that she heard about the ritual from a friend of a friend.
“Rumour has it she tried the chant just before a Jackbox game night,” Swinton explained in a low voice, peering ominously over a blood-red glass of Cabernet Sauvignon. “She was out of booze, so she went into the bathroom, turned off the lights, and said the phrase three times in a row.”
“Then, there was the sound of clinking glasses, a creepy voice whispered ‘Cheers, bitch!’ and when she turned the lights back on there was a bottle of Niagara Riesling lying in the sink.”
Taylor Meecham, a representative from local wine delivery service Wine-2-Go, argued that the otherworldly enterprise was quickly putting him out of business.
“Look, we work hard to get wine to our customers as quickly as possible, but we can’t just summon it to their bathrooms,” he fumed, after another cancelled order came in just after the stroke of midnight. “Not only is that creepy, but it also sounds super illegal. Is that demonic entity even Smart Serve certified?”
When asked if she were afraid of the potential consequences of the ritual, Swinton explained that being able to get drunk without leaving the house far outweighed any supernatural risks she might incur.
“Despite all my friends warning me not to, I tried it, and got a giant box of red. Honestly, even if it is cursed, it’s worth it to not have to stand in line with strangers who don’t understand what ‘six feet apart’ means.”
“And hey, if Bloody Mary shows up to kill me, she’s welcome to join me for a glass- although a Caesar is probably more her kind of thing.”
At press time, Swinton had just watched a mysterious videotape that allegedly guaranteed amazing quarantine abs in only seven days
