HEAVEN – After religious groups have continued to go to church despite warnings about large public gatherings, The Almighty One has contracted COVID-19.
“At first I thought I just had a sore throat from shouting at church pastors who were risking other people’s lives,” said Our Lord. “But then I started coughing and I just couldn’t really wake up in the morning. Most people can’t get testing that quickly but I know a guy at Mount Sinai and after they ushered me through, I got the results back right away.”
The Light was apparently “super pissed” that people continued to gather at churches despite how many scientists he put on earth to tell them to stay home rather than risk the lives of everyone around them.
“I say love thy neighbour over and over and what does Pastor Lorenzi do? Brings his dumb ass into my house and tells his germy-ass church goers to send their germy-ass prayers at me. As per usual, I made it super clear what I wanted and that was for people to just worship me while staying home and watching Friends. Why do they think I made Matthew Perry so funny?”
Karen Patterson of Waterloo talked to reporters about why she was continuing to attend church. “This is the day of our Lord, and if I am not there in person despite how much it harms others, how can I call myself a good Christian?”
“I get that it’s hard to social distance,” said He who is All. “I myself am trying to social distance myself from the son and the holy spirit but it’s tough because they are incorporated within me. At the very least I am still staying social by zooming with Vishnu, Buddha, Thor, and Muhammed. We’re going to play Jackbox next week!”
While the One True God has been designated an essential worker, he revealed that he does have plans to continue working this week despite his COVID-19 diagnosis, with plans to potentially rest on the seventh day, “If I’m lucky.”
At the time of reporting, a stay at home order has been placed on Heaven which has made it very difficult as God reports heaven is mostly about “All the fucking.”
