TORONTO – Having announced a two-week-long state of emergency roughly two weeks ago, Ontario Premier Doug Ford announced that the province-wide order would be extended after he learned how …
Month: March 2020
Local psychopath still planning on celebrating April Fools’ Day
Kelowna, BC – Local man and absolute lunatic George Black says that, despite literally everything happening right now, he still intends to go all out for April Fool’s Day. “I know people ar…
Modern day Shakespeare? This woman wrote another explicit One Direction fanfic during quarantine
MISSISSAUGA, ON – As of yesterday, remote brand strategist Lana Frasier completed yet another One Direction fanfiction during self-isolation. “Yeah, I heard that Shakespeare wrote King Lear…
Locked down Canadians gather on balconies, struggle to collectively sing really fast part of One Week by Barenaked Ladies
TORONTO – After witnessing the popularity achieved by a group of locked down Italians singing in unison on their balconies a couple of weeks ago, a gang of Canadians assembled to try to sin…
New puppy feeling a lot of pressure to fill massive emotional void in owner’s heart
OTTAWA – Rover, a two-month-old mutt who was recently adopted by Kaleb Smith, is enjoying the frequent walks and treats but is worried he’s not equipped to handle the myriad of avoida…
Democratic primary candidates find common ground in being high risk for coronavirus
WASHINGTON – The two remaining frontrunners in the Democratic primary may have very different platforms and policies, but they can agree on at least one thing: if they were to contract coro…
COVID-19 pandemic reveals Mayor of Flavortown to be most competent US politician
CHICAGO – In response to the COVID-19 pandemic, Guy Fieri and the National Restaurant Association Education Foundation have launched the Restaurant Employee Relief Fund with a one-time gran…
Nation’s parents lured back inside houses with promise of Jeopardy re-runs
OTTAWA – Reports indicate that many among the older generation have not been adhering to warnings from health officials to self-isolate. As a result, most have resorted to luring their parents ba…
Government classifies ‘dat ass’ as an essential service
OTTAWA – Following weeks of public confusion, the federal government of Canada has finally declared that ‘dat ass’ is an essential service which must continue despite the coronavirus pandem…
Staples releases limited edition homosexual agendas
CALGARY – Sales have skyrocketed for Staples Business Depot after the release of a limited-edition homosexual agenda. “I finally feel so organized,” said Brian Rolands, 34, while running hi…
