CALGARY – For the past six months, resident know-it-all and general dud, Brian Thomson has forced every exhausting detail of his new keto diet on his innocent co-workers, friends, and family.
“Sometimes I just want to eat my pasta salad in the break room without Brian launching into the life changing benefits of a high-fat low-carb diet,” stated one dejected coworker, Lisa Rigali. “Personally I don’t think it’s healthy for him to eat a package of prosciutto and a t-bone steak for lunch, but I keep it to myself.”
“Plus it’s just so gross,” she added.
Thompson was prompted to go keto after listening to a particularly insufferable episode of the Joe Rogan Experience that Thomson claimed to be, “revolutionary” and which he has since sent to all his email contacts despite their desperate pleas to be left alone. The episode detailed the ways in which keto can change your body but neglected to mention its destructive effects on personal and professional relationships.
“The other day I thought it would be nice to bring a loaf of homemade bread into the office for everyone but as soon as Brian saw it he slapped it out of my hands and lectured me for close to 45 minutes,” stated his co-worker, Arjun Patel, who now has to smuggle his sourdoughs into the office through the HVAC system.
It took about three days into the diet for Brian to feel comfortable discussing the science of ketosis ad nauseum. At two months it wasn’t uncommon for him to include facts on the keto diet in all of his work presentations, despite the fact that his job has nothing to do with food or nutrition. And now, at six months, his own mother refuses to answer his calls and one of his coworkers had to be rescued from the scaffolding on the 47th floor after trying to dodge him.
“It’s as though he can sense a lull in conversation, even from miles away, he appears almost out of thin air with a bottle of MCT oil in one hand and a block of cheese in the other, screaming about intermittent fasting and grass-fed butter,” said Thomson’s cousin Misha Gregg, who once saw him burst a blood vessel in both eyes when she said she didn’t think ketosis was a healthy choice for herself.
At press time, his co-worker noted, “I mean, I kinda want to mention that he hasn’t actually lost any weight, but I’m worried that would kill him.”
