OTTAWA – Friends of local couple Blaze and Traylor Davidson have been left perplexed after the Davidsons decided to give their newborn son the completely bizarre name of ”John”.
“I can’t believe they saddled him with such a crazy name,” said Luna Malcolm, a neighbor to the couple, “He’s going to have to go through his whole life hearing people whisper about what his parents were thinking.”
Malcolm added, “Naming their baby something so weird. Who do they think they are – celebrities?”
Experts agree that this phenomenon is likely just a reaction to seeing all their peers name their children rote names like Smoke or Juniper. Societally, this has led to a recent glut of children being born with wonky names like George or Mary.
“Oh god, they were always like this,” said Jasper Tillsdale III, Blaze’s former roommate, “the other day a group of us were going out for locally sourced, organic, butane-roasted Aburi sushi at the restaurant where the waiters all recite sonnets about clouds when they bring your food, like we do every Tuesday. Then Blaze and Traylor suggest we go to Swiss Chalet instead!”
“We get it! You guys are the ‘cool’ couple,” he continued, rolling his eyes.
Sources report the royal family has now pivoted to oddly-named princes such as “George” and “Louis,” as opposed to classically named royals such as Isla, Mia, and Savannah. Sources suggest that this year’s most common kids’ names are Kwin and Lennix, with John being a distant #4935.
“John. It’s just so odd sounding. Am I even pronouncing that right?” asked Traylor’s mother, Stupenda, “couldn’t they have just named him something normal, like Axl or Jynx?”
Friends of the Davidsons report that Blaze and Traylor mentioned finding the unusual name of John in “some weird old book called ‘The Bible’?” In addition, they have announced further unconventional parenting plans for John, such as: feeding the baby formula, letting him play sports, allowing him to watch TV, giving him sweets, and saying “no”.
At press time, John was expected to attend an upcoming family reunion alongside his other infant cousins: Harper, Mason, Kory, Daenarys, Adina, Spoombot, Chok, Tupplebup, Splen, and Ghost.
