OTTAWA – Local stepfather Greg McKay, 45, doesn’t want to harsh your buzz, but has a few things he’d like to rap with you about, sources claim.
“Got a minute, champ?” said Greg in an attempt to soften the blow on the hard-hitting issue he’s about to drop on you. “Turn the tunes down a bit so we can bang a few dents out?”
“Maybe this is something Kyle [your real dad] should talk to you about, but since he’s not around that much I thought maybe Greg could come in and give it a swing,” continued Greg, pointing to himself and half-heartedly swinging an imaginary baseball bat.
“I don’t even really want to make this a thing, but you know your mother,” Greg went on to claim, reminding you of the deep yet problematic bond between men in a small family.
“It may surprise you but I was once a kid myself,” laughed Greg, “I’ve shaken my booty at a few barn-burners myself. I’ve just never then taken my ol’ stepdad’s Honda Accord out after and crashed it into the neighbour’s veranda.”
After meandering for 20 minutes, covering topics like how full the gutters will be this spring and construction blocking his daily commute, Greg said, “So yeah, for the next few weeks I think it’s fair to cut you down to only 30 minutes on your phone allowed at the dinner table. Sorry to bust your balls but I’m glad we could break it down. Good chatting with you sport.”
Local sources report that later tonight Greg will offer you a beer which you will take as an act of camaraderie, despite the fact that you are thirteen years old.
