MCALLEN, TX — After stoically touring a migrant detention center with nearly 400 men crammed inside fenced cages, Vice President Mike Pence assured the American people that this kind of barbarism is “something that only happens in other countries”.
“We Americans are champions of human rights, abroad and at home,” insisted Pence, as he stood 5 feet from hundreds of migrant men who had not accessed a shower in over 40 days. “Both I, and our President, promise that this kind of barbarism will never be allowed to happen on our soil. God bless America!”
Earlier, as Pence toured the drastically over-capacity holding facility, he decried the kind of brutal and dehumanizing conditions that one would find “only in deplorable third world regimes.”
“This kind of moral depravity is reserved for totalitarian states like Venezuela, and we can and will fight to keep it from ever happening here.”
Vice President Pence also took time to lead ICE agents and the detention facility guards in a prayer, imploring Jesus to “watch over your children, who would never be hurt like this in America, and protect them from,” brutal internment camp-like conditions, such as the concrete floors that the asylum seekers to his just to his right were forced to sleep on every night.
“Having such a godly and morally-committed leader like Vice President Pence here really reassures me,” explained Border Patrol Agent Tucker Fleyming, 34. As Fleyming finished removing a bawling infant from the arms of its distraught mother, he continued, “Mr. Pence’s steadfast faith and connection to the Lord our God ever reminds me that, here in America, we truly are a shining beacon on the hill.”
Pence later took the time to entertain a hypothetical, “Even if America somehow adopted a system of shadowy, inhumane extra-judicial concentration camps – which we certainly have not – it would definitely be the fault of the migrants who came here and overwhelmed our system and certainly not our fault at all.”
The Vice President then went on to assure the various Border Agents, as well as imprisoned migrants who had not yet passed out from the sweltering heat, how President Trump shared his belief in American exceptionalism.
“Mister Trump agrees with me that the American people can put their trust completely in our increasingly-militarized border patrol agents, and not worry about their utterly unaccountable human rights violations being expanded to dissenters or enemies of this administration. Hallelujah!”
Pence then requested that everyone take his word for that, and not look up anything the President had ever tweeted or said.
