TORONTO – As the gig economy continues to devastate any sense of job security among millennials, the hitman industry has been one of the hardest hits.
“Jesus Christ, I mean, you’ve got civilian Uber drivers running bodies in their trunks,” says an unidentified 30-year-old contract killer. “Lyft guys will tranquilize ‘em for you, too.”
The fresh-faced contract killer checked her Instagram before continuing.
“It’s not just the competition from these new assholes either…” said the elusive murder-for-hire. “A guy I’ve worked with for years, has an added service on Rover now. You know the pet sitter app? He offers to watch the client’s pets so they can leave the country while he’s doing their hit, gives them the perfect alibi.”
“He’ll even groom your dogs if you checkmark the box when making the booking. Instead of cutting throats, he’s cutting nails. It’s genius really!”
The new freelance economy disrupts long-held beliefs about how shooting people in the head for money can work. New markets, reduced risk, and confidential payment are all advantageous for up and coming hitmen.
“You have people renting their basement apartments on Airbnb, fully aware something sketchy is going down. I used to drive out to Sudbury for quiet time with a target. Now you can ‘Instant Book’ and boom, no fuss.”
One of the earliest services created for the gig economy – TaskRabbit, an on-demand service for completion of everyday chores – has been singled out by every evil, soulless, dead-eyed assassin we surveyed as their least favourite of the freelance companies.
“They have this category, ‘heavy lifting,’ that’s been taking away a lot of work. You can get someone to bring you rope, bleach, fifty-gallon drums of sulphuric acid, you name it. Then there’s the Handy app sending out cleaners, guys kneecapping people on their UberEats routes. Even with Fiverr, you can get a forged suicide note for $5, I can’t keep up. This used to be a goddamn career, man.”
Millennials are doing all the organized crime in the street and corporations are paying for it micropayment by micropayment. Financial analysts say that if your salary isn’t made up of 40% crime-related activities, then you aren’t going to succeed in today’s economy.
