NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ – Following widespread anger, lawsuits and a precipitous stock price drop when it was revealed that Johnson & Johnson have known for decades that their Baby Powder was tainted with asbestos, the company is now claiming that it wasn’t negligence on their part but a deliberate, altruistic act with the end goal of creating fireproof babies.
“Yes, asbestos is a known carcinogen with no safe level of exposure, but people forget it’s also a very effective flame retardant,” J & J spokesperson Kurt Morris said in a press conference today to address the controversy. “Since we started ensuring the talc in our Baby Powder contained asbestos, there hasn’t been a single case of infant spontaneous combustion anywhere in the world.”
“You’re welcome.”
Johnson & Johnson have pointed out that since parents have opted for more flammable chemical free cotton in recent years, the company felt it was their job to step up and protect these now “dangerously flammable babies.”
“We couldn’t tell parents that they were sprinkling asbestos on their babies, because then they wouldn’t buy it,” Morris said. “And the babies, the tiny, innocent babies, would all burn. At Johnson & Johnson, we believe babies should be not on fire. As a company, we have always acted morally in regards to that very narrow, specific belief.”
Johnson & Johnson have also claimed that women who used their asbestos-tainted Baby Powder benefited from the flame retardant nature of the product, which they credit with decreasing the number of vulva fires from ‘unknown’ to ‘zero.’
