KINGSTON, ON — As the winter season kicks into full gear, Grade 4 student, Daniel Ready, is officially prepared to only dress in his snowpants for the next 4 months.
“I love when my clothes are both practical and noisy,” explained a fidgety Daniel, running his hands up down his thighs in order to create a swishy sound. “Snowpants do it all. I’m really against bathing these days ever since I had a dream about a water monster. So being able to roll around in snow at any time is a great alternative to showering.”
While many other children wear snowpants for the duration of winter, there is a specific type of child like Daniel that refuses to remove said snowpants regardless of weather or circumstance. This type of child has been referred to by child psychologists as, “The Weirdo Kid.”
When reached for comment regarding her son’s attire, Mrs. Ready replied, “I’m a single mother of three kids under the age of ten and currently going through menopause. Him being clothed is enough!”
At any rate, Daniel is thrilled to show off his pants due to them being the newest item of clothing he owns that are covered in Iron Man and mud stains.
“It’s just what kids do”, confirms Daniel’s brother Jason Ready. “Once you get more mature, you realize that wearing the same thing everyday is gross. Now that I’m 12 I know you gotta change your socks every three days. But it took a lot of growing for me to come to that conclusion.”
While most children are various types of “straight up weirdos”, Daniel belongs in the category of “stinky kid”, due to his never taking his snowpants days or night. Researchers note that the change of the season makes no difference to Daniel’s classification. “When summer comes, you better believe Daniel will be wearing his swimsuit for two months straight.”
“It’s better than that time he wore his Roots sweater for the entire year of grade two,” confirms classmate Candace Sherman. “By the end of the year he had chewed the strings of the sweater completely off. I can’t believe I dated Daniel for five hours in grade three!”
At press time Daniel continues to wear his snowpants, whether or not he is going outside that day.
