PALO ALTO — An exciting new product was revealed today that its creator claims will change the world by bringing people together “in global frustration.”
“Finally we have a truly universal charging cable,” declared Charles Renfrew, CEO of UniCorp. “No longer will people have to wonder or worry about their device working with some new charger or port in their computer. Now they’ll know: it won’t.”
Consumers have long complained that device charging is an overly complicated cash grab. Accusing companies of changing their methods with new models simply to force consumers into buying expensive new cables. Mr. Renfrew says that time has passed. “We finally have the tools to take control of our devices. You need to charge an iPhone 7 and your spouse has a Samsung Galaxy? Now you can’t charge either, anywhere, any time.”
The reported cost of the new UniCharge cables will range from $199 for the base 6cm model to 7-years hard labor for the 30cm model. With a money-back guarantee that the cables will never charge anything. “No matter how many times you flip the end of the cable over, no matter how hard you try and jam it into your phone or outlet, this will not charge, ever.”
Tech advocates and early adopters are applauding the transparency that has become UniCorp’s hallmark. “Here’s a company that’s flipping the paradigms and shifting end-to-end ideation,” gushed tech fanatic Alex Jacobson. “They’re constantly coming up with problems to solutions you didn’t know you had. I became a fan as soon as they released the UniCase (the phone case that is guaranteed to violently explode if dropped from more or less than 10 cms) and I’ll be a fan for the rest of my, admittedly a little embarrassing, life.”
UniCorp stock rose dramatically on heavy overnight trading, indicating investor’s are confident the company has another hit on their hands to go along with the mobile battery that drains the charge right out of your device and the data dongle that corrupts every file you put on it.