CALGARY — Scientists at the University of Calgary have discovered that the most likely outcome of committing to a yoga regime is telling people that you do yoga.
Dr. Gerald Rutker went into the study hoping to discover the health benefits of yoga, however the numbers showed much higher incidences of people talking about going to yoga, rather than practicing it. There was also a large section of people who do not practice yoga, but still ad nauseum mention that one day they are going to start doing yoga.
“It was astounding. I found my subjects interjecting the fact that they did yoga into every single scenario in their life,” Dr. Rutker explains, “However, most subjects used the yoga to assert their superiority over people, for example, suggesting that people with mental health issues wouldn’t need pills if they just did yoga.”
While Yoga is an ancient Indian tradition, this study has discovered that North American girls in their 20’s tend to use it to talk about how “grounded” they are. One patient spoke about practicing yoga so much, that she was talking about it while doing yoga and is now banned from most yoga studios in Alberta.
Cindy Heckerling, a patient of Dr. Rutker, managed to squeeze mentioning that she does yoga in her maid of honour speech at her sister’s wedding. “It just made sense” added Heckerling, “My sister found love with a man the way I found love with my chakras. Chakras that I discovered during yoga. Did you know that I do yoga?”
Besides verbally making people aware of their yoga practices, many patients skilfully express their yogic routine non-verbally, in ways such as forever carrying around their yoga mats and wearing “Lulu Lemon” to all major life events. Dr. Rutker, though pleased with his discoveries, hopes that one day people realize you are able to do an activity without letting people know that you do it.
At press time Cindy Heckerling has also mentioned that she started to get into crossfit, eating keto and Scientology.
