PORTLAND, OR — Following the announcement that Colin Kaepernick will be their new spokesperson, Nike is encouraging all Americans to buy as much of the Kaepernick merchandise as possible, either to show their support or to set fire to it in order to show Nike they disagree with the choice.
“Reasonable people will always disagree on political issues, particularly when freedom to protest is involved. But here at Nike we believe the best way for people to signal their personal political beliefs is to stock up on as much Nike apparel, equipment, and footwear as they can carry,” said Nike president Mark Parker. As online reactions to the Kaepernick announcement poured in, the corporate CEO assured Nike customers that there were plenty of ways to express their “support and/or outrage.”
“Now that Kap is the face of Nike, Americans can proudly align themselves with his bold Black Lives Matter protest by sporting a pair of Nike MercurialX Vapor XII Pro IC’s,” Parker explained. “Alternately, they can show their contempt for Kaepernick’s un-patriotic display by purchasing and destroying a Jordan Therma 23 Alpha Men’s full-zip hoodie.”
Parker added, “Both of which are available at nike.com, and through local retailers everywhere.”
The athletic giant’s website store will now ask shoppers to choose either a pro or anti Kaepernick link, before being directed to browse the exact same Nike merchandise. “We can’t tell you what to believe,” explained Parker, “but we can tell you that the amount of money you spend on Nike products is directly proportional to how much you believe.”
All across the United States, consumers are responding to the Nike Kaepernick endorsement deal. Bradley Hooks, of Brooklyn NY, explained, “I’ve never really been to a ‘sports game’, but I do hate Donald Trump, so I went out and bought four new Nike tracksuits. Go Kap!”
Meanwhile, Angela Hunter of Mobile, AL stated, “Is it dangerous for me to inhale the fumes when I burn these classic Air Jordans I just bought? Blue Lives Matter!”
“Here at Nike we believe in free speech, whether that speech is taking a knee to oppose police brutality or cutting up a pair of pants to support police brutality,” Parker continued, closing out his press conference. “We at Nike support all speech.”
“Unless it’s about our sweatshops.”
