TORONTO – Following his controversial use of the Notwithstanding Clause to interfere with Toronto City Council, Doug Ford has enacted the War Measures Act to dismantle the Bloor bike lane in Toronto.
“The War on Cars has been waged by powerful cyclists for too long, and it’s time to take appropriate measures,” announced Ford from the passenger window of his Pontiac Enclave. “Our only recourse is to suspend all cyclist civil liberties, effective immediately.”
“It’s time to end the war, once and for all,” he added.
Ford’s new powers will allow him to detain cyclists for an indefinite period of time, confiscate all unicycle, and level treason charges for riders on the sidewalk. Cyclists who ring their bells at drivers will be immediately interned at a camp in north Ontario.
“Premier Ford appears to be unaware the law was renamed the Emergency Measures Act in 1988, and is intended for use only during times of severe civil disruption,” clarified U of T law Professor Darren Douglas. “Using it to make life slightly more convenient for drivers is the definition of overkill. But then again, I commute in every day from my estate in Burlington, and I hate those god damn cyclists.”
Doug Ford’s website further outlined a strategy to use the Notwithstanding clause to cancel the King Street Project, convert libraries to Green P parking lots, and extend the Gardiner Expressway to Ottawa.
When asked how far he was willing to go, Ford replied, “Just watch me. Seriously never stop watching me. I need you to pay attention to me.”
