DUNDAS, ON – A full half-day after the fact, local data entry technician Kyle Hood has locked himself in his car after realizing that the praise he received from his boss and co-workers had been dripping with sarcasm.
“All I did was ask what their tone was,” says his partner Sally Hemings. “And suddenly you could see it on his face. I just don’t see anyone saying ‘Wow, you really knocked that one out of the park’ to him without rolling their eyes.” Hood allegedly muttered something about it not mattering and left the house.
“He walks in while we’re working on getting the projector running for a presentation and he asks if we’ve turned it on and off,” said Amos Sawka, who works in IT. “Then in the most condescending way possible I said to him: ‘Oh WOW, none of US even THOUGHT to DO THAT. Thanks so much KYLE!’ and then he sits there and tells me that maybe he should be working in IT.” According to sources, Hood then sauntered out of the conference room and told them to email him if they needed any more help.
Hood is currently idling in a Tim Horton’s parking lot, shaking his head, apparently reexamining every approval he’s ever received. Several witnesses have indicated that they overheard Hood repeatedly emphasizing words like ‘good’ ‘smart’ ‘smooth’ and ‘wow.’
Hemmings believes that Hood will bounce back. “For someone who has minimal accomplishments in life, Kyle is very sure of himself. He’ll compartmentalize this like he did when I answered, “that was a REAL game changer, KYLE,” when he asked me if I orgasmed.”
