TORONTO – At approximately 8:10 this morning, TTC bus driver Mick ‘Micky’ Dorland made an impromptu announcement to an overcrowded bus, letting them know that he’s “feelin’ fine”.
“To be honest, it really offended me”, remarked passenger, Amina Wolfe. “We’re all taking the bus, something has obviously gone terribly wrong in our lives.”
“Next stop, forget it Jake… it’s Chinatown,” Dorland enthused, cheerfully referencing the classic 1974 film as passengers struggled to face their own days.
Mr. Dorland continued to be overtly jovial, announcing all stops despite the fact that a robotic female voice was already making them. “Okay, we get it, Dundas rhymes with ‘Fun-das’. Kind of,” said veteran rider, Teri Louis.
“The balls on this guy.”
The reason for Mr. Dorland’s unusual demeanor is still unknown, but some have speculated that the combination of urine and spilled Tim Horton’s coffee has created some sort of laughing gas and is inducing his polite and pleasant attitude. A subset of regular riders speculate that he was a failed stand-up comic before becoming a TTC driver. Still others, like neurologist, Dr. Stephen Fillman, suspect that Mr. Dorland has suffered some kind of psychotic break similar to the character Two-Face from Batman.
“Those kinds of benign pleasantries are not healthy. It is clear to me that Mr. Dorland has lost his grasp on reality and is completely disconnected from the horrific existential crisis that comes from living and working in the GTA.”
As passengers exited Mr. Dorland’s vehicle he made special consideration to wish each and every one to have a, “super-duper day!”
“That was the last straw”, complained Timothy Jordan. “People like that really make me question if my two hour commute is even worth it.”
At press time, Dorland was chipperly pointing out that the “Timmies” he was stopping the streetcar outside of was the one he and his wife has met at.
