WASHINGTON, DC – NASA has announced that the Curiosity rover has recently discovered compelling evidence for the existence of nightlife on Mars, including but not limited to clubs, bars, and cabarets.
“We were hoping to find organic compounds, maybe even fossilized single-celled organisms,” said Helen Kline, an administrator for the Science Mission Directorate at NASA Headquarters. “Never in our wildest dreams did we think we’d find two and a half martini glasses, a puddle of what looks like beer vomit, and a discarded napkin from a club called VerVe with a message written in eyeliner asking ‘Hot Josh’ to call ‘Other Josh.’”
The findings are turning conventional wisdom on its head and leading many planetary scientists to conclude that despite outward appearances and years of scientific consensus that Mars is a dead planet, Mars may actually be banging.
Some scientists, however, are not convinced by the data. “Give the relentless Martian wind enough time and it can easily scour a piece of red, iron-rich Martian rock until it looks exactly like a plastic to-go cup,” said Kevin Laurence, a professor of geology at Harvard. “Likewise, the faint strains Curiosity picked up of what, to the untrained ear, sound suspiciously like a Janelle Monae song are probably a naturally occurring phenomenon, the Martian equivalent of dust devils, but with a really good beat.”
At press time, the Curiosity rover had stopped sending telemetry after one final burst to NASA that said: “you’re good guys… super guys… the best guys… OMG… miss you guys… i’m dizzy… i’m fine… love you guys… i’m good… i’m good… just gotta sidown for a bit…”
