TORONTO – Saying that it was important he “knew all the facts” before another day on the campaign trail, Ontario PC leader Doug Ford paused the Mozart he was listening to, put down his Earl Grey tea, and assured his wife that he would read just one more policy brief and then call it a night.
“I need another hour to understand this detailed treatise on urban planning,” said the former Etobicoke city councillor as his wife, Karla, informed him that it was 2 am and implored him to go to bed. “It’s important that I know the latest statistics and analyses from leading thinkers in these fields if I am to tackle these problems when I’m elected.”
Sources close to the Fords say that when his wife suggested he needed rest, the Ontario PC leader replied, “Kathleen Wynne isn’t resting. It’s not like the Liberals are just going to throw out ideas willy nilly without any plan for how to pay for them. I have to be ready to counter their policies with well thought out arguments and concrete plans of my own. I can’t just spout a bunch of platitudes about cutting taxes and saving taxpayer money.”
Eventually Karla gave in, knowing that Ford’s dedication to being the most knowledgeable premier candidate in history would win out, as it always does. Indeed, this has not been the first time Ford has had to hesitantly call it a night. Members of his team say he has stayed up late on numerous occasions trying to make room in his schedule to attend the Toronto Gay Pride Parade.
In the last two weeks Ford has become even more determined to know his facts after a recent press conference where he meant to quote a pithy aphorism by Disraeli, but got nervous and said “nobody has been a better friend to the blacks than me” instead. This has led, according to sources, to the stack of books and binders on Ford’s bedside table growing even larger.
At press time Ford had set an alarm for 5:30 so he had enough time to read over the latest deficit report before going on his morning jog.
