BERLIN – While travelling through Europe this past week, Adam De Sousa spouted off every single Canadian celebrity in an erie unbroken 38 minute monologue in order to assert that he was indeed Canadian.
“I got into a conversation after dinner with a couple from the hostel and we got onto to topic of where we’re from… and then I blacked out,” De Sousa stammered. “Later when they woke me up, they said that I had been speaking for almost an hour about small screen Canadian actors that frequently fly under the radar.”
In order to claim his Canadian citizenship, De Sousa underwent painful extremes to paint the successes of Canadian actors and musicians as the country’s finest export.
When asked if De Sousa could remember any of the list of national pride-evoking superhumans, he rattled off the basics saying, “Well obviously you got the Ryan’s, Gosling and Reynolds, in that order, then the Sutherland boys, Donald and Kiefer, Shatner, Anderson, J. Fox, Dion, Twain, Bieber, Adams, Young, Morissette, Lavigne, Kroeger, and Drake, but that last one is almost too easy.”
“And if you’re looking for funny, oh boy we got Carrey, Aykroyd, Cera, Short, Rogen, Myers, Arnett, Moranis, Nielsen (RIP), Bee, Macdonald, Peters, Chong of Cheech &,” De Sousa breathed out. “Please for the love of Keanu Reeves and Kim Cattrall that technically grew up here, stop me.”
“I didn’t even know I had this kind of knowledge,” said De Sousa. “This power must be harnessed for good or at the very least something not entirely useless.”
Upon returning to Canada, De Sousa found that he had not entirely shaken his smug affliction. “I don’t know what is happening, it’s like I’ve been infected by some kind of bug. When I watch movies now, I can’t stop myself from yelling to no one in particular that RACHEL MCADAMS IS A CANADIAN TREASURE THAT HAS BEEN SEVERELY UNDERUTILIZED BY HOLLYWOOD.”
At press time, De Sousa was seen muttering to himself, “Hayden Christensen, we had such high hopes for you.”
