MENLO PARK, CA – As more and more people are attempting to delete their Facebook accounts due to the social media giant’s unfolding data collection scandal, Facebook now requires users to reveal a deep, dark secret that Facebook doesn’t already know before they can deactivate their accounts.
“We felt it’s in everyone’s best interests to make leaving Facebook much more difficult than staying with Facebook,” Facebook spokesperson Chet Kline said in a press conference about the new protocol. “It’s in the best interests of our company, and the companies who buy data from us, and the companies who use that data to manipulate our users. You know, everyone.”
In order to deactivate a Facebook account, a user must now download all the data Facebook has surreptitiously collected about them and sift through it to see which of their most shameful secrets Facebook’s algorithms haven’t already figured out, then provide Facebook with that dark and painful information.
“I’m sure you all want to know if the user exodus we’re currently experiencing will ever grow large enough to make Facebook weaponize the potentially devastating information we collect about you, to ‘watch the world burn,’ as it were,” Kline said. He then smiled silently. When one of the reporters asked him to elaborate, he declared the press conference over.
At press time, a Facebook user who committed a small property crime in order to have a secret with which to pay for her exit from Facebook was shocked to find out that Facebook already knew about the crime because she posted a selfie of herself committing the vandalism on Instagram.
