TORONTO – After weeks of campaigning to repeal Kathleen Wynne’s inclusive sex-ed curriculum, Doug Ford has unveiled his replacement plan: a shoebox filled with nude Barbie and GI Joe dolls.
“Kids these days are being exposed to homosexuality, consent, and other dangerous subjects far too early,” said Ford, to a cheering crowd. “They oughta learn about sex the way I did, by mashing together the smooth plastic crotches of beloved childhood toys.”
The box full of inflexible figurines has become the newest plank in the increasingly popular PC platform. Under Ford’s proposed plan each child would be allocated one GI Joe and one Barbie with which to act out anatomically incorrect sex scenes.
If the students have difficult questions about sexuality a trained teacher will be on hand to shame them for it.
“With a little luck, we’ll be able to repress and humiliate these kids into hating themselves just as much I hate myself,” said Ford. “Although, we have to work fast. Undoing the progress of the Wynne curriculum is going to be a full time job.”
The plan also calls for a reinforcement of traditional, early-20th century gender roles. That means five times a year, the girls will have to make cupcakes with an Easy Bake oven while the boys are taken down to the creek and forced to kill frogs, like in the good old days.
“Sure it’ll probably scar them for life,” said Ford. “But that’s what growing up used to be all about and I see no reason why this generation shouldn’t have their childhood ruined as well.”
At press time, the PCs had said that parents who want an even more harmful sex-ed can petition to have the dolls’ heads removed.
