Salmon Springs, BC – The Canadian Forces have been called out to mitigate the disaster that struck Salmon Springs BC after Lucy Gerhardt opened her junk drawer this morning.
“I’ll get around to clearing this out eventually,” said Gerhardt as a wave of spare buttons for coats she no longer owns washed away the centre of town. “Name me one person who doesn’t keep shoving objects into the small crack between the drawer and the counter then slamming it shut until finally the drawer reaches a critical mass and… oh, there goes the hospital.”
Town officials finally turned to the army after the police and fire department proved unable to contain the old takeout menus, loose batteries and headphones where only one earbud still works that Gerhardt had, for some reason, never allowed herself to throw away.
“The problem is, it’s not all garbage,” Mayor Sylvia Collins said, after extricating herself from a quicksand of extra-long twist ties. “Yes, there are old grocery receipts and hair elastics that no longer stretch, but there are also dentist bills she’ll need for her records, and hair elastics that still sort of stretch.”
“Actually, we can’t throw anything away right now because the town dump is currently overwhelmed with plastic bags filled with plastic bags.”
At press time, the army was overcome by fumes after they tried to use of flamethrowers on the junk wave, accidentally igniting a mountain of scented candle nubs.
