TORONTO – Controversial media website The Rebel has unveiled a new investment opportunity for its viewers: Canada’s first conservative-only ponzi scheme.
The “Rebel Freedom Scam” promises steady returns, provided enrollees “hate creeping Sharia Law” and also promise to sign up at least 5 new investors after them. The scam is marketed primarily at elderly Rebel viewers looking to place their retirement savings in “Canada’s fastest-growing fraudulent investment opportunity”.
“Never again will the greatest generation be forced to invest their hard-earned money in elitist mainstream liberal ponzi schemes,” claims Rebel founder and chief fundraiser Ezra Levant. “Finally, you can stick it to the islamists and the cultural marxists, with Canada’s first ever we-swear-it’s-not-alt-right investment swindle.”
While many retirement funds have recently been forced to divest from questionable businesses, Levant insists his will support only the most questionable investments, such as fossil fuels, international arms dealing, and signs to get kids off your lawn. After a rocky start that saw The Rebel’s first hedge fund manager fired for appearing on the Stormfront website’s “White Pride, Green Money Podkkkast”, the Rebel ponzi scheme is now open for business.
The pitch video, filmed in front of The Rebel’s customary Windows 98-era green screen, outlines the hierarchical or “pyramid-shaped” structure of the Rebel Freedom Scam. It then explains how viewers’ investments in the Freedom Scam will help to pay for The Rebel’s “courageous reporting, hilarious anti-semitic listicles, and various patios currently being constructed on Ezra Levant’s Toronto home.”
The video then concludes with 8 minutes of legal disclaimers, including: “This advertisement is intended for entertainment purposes only”, “Rebel Media Inc. shall not incur any liability from investors going into mega-bankruptcy”, and “You have to tell us if you’re a cop”.
“The Rebel has often been described as ‘the ponzi scheme of Canadian news’, so we figured why not go all in?” Levant further explained. “Besides, If this doesn’t work, we can always fall back on our old business model of selling our viewer’s data to conservative political campaigns.”
At press time, The Rebel assured investors that any excess money raised will go into a drinking fund for Gavin Mcinnes.
