MISSISSAUGA – After numerous consultations with groups of women congregating in club bathrooms, irrefutable evidence proves that most women are dissatisfied with how un-Rihanna their partners are.
“If I had to evaluate the state of my current relationship, I’d say my biggest disappointment with Alex is that they haven’t released a line of racially diverse foundations that everyone regardless of gender expression can use,” said 29 year old Sonya Marafidi.
Marafidi’s undying love for the Barbadian singer started as an innocent crush, saying, “I just remember grinding to ‘Pon de Replay’ in high school with my future spouse, confusing my love for her as my love for them.”
However as time progressed, Marafidi found herself singing along less to “We Found Love”, opting instead to sing “Desperado” menacingly at her partner while throwing up handguns.
When Marafidi’s partner, Alex Suleman was approached about this irreconcilable rift in their relationship, they professed, “I honestly have no idea what to do with this information. I wish I could be Rihanna for her, but I can’t. It’s physically impossible.”
Suleman even went as far as showing her pictures of Rihanna with a bright red afro from 2011 in order to snap her out of her RiRi trance, but all Marafidi would respond with was “iconic.”
“It bothers me that Alex won’t communicate in electrifying R&B verses, or that they won’t drink white wine topless with me while smoking blunts,” grumbled the asthmatic Marafidi.
“They’re so caring and attentive but at the end of the day, they just aren’t Rihanna.”
