WASHINGTON DC — A bombshell memo written by the House Intelligence Chair alleges the FBI opened an investigation into Trump Campaign officials based solely on the fact they done an absurd amount of illegal things.
“This is an outrage,” said Congressman Devin Nunes, author of the memo. “Just because the Trump Campaign sought, at every juncture, to solicit and hire amoral professional criminals, that does not give the Justice Department the right to investigate them.”
The memo goes on to detail numerous instances where law enforcement agencies sought wiretaps on Trump staffers in order to enforce the laws they were breaking. Nunes singled out former FBI Director James Comey, blasting him for unfairly investigating Trump officials for money laundering, failing to register as foreign agents, receipt of stolen goods, witness tampering, impersonating a Russian oligarch, punching a kangaroo, and something referred to as “mega treason”.
Across Washington, Republicans were united in their calls for FBI agents to apologize to the president for so disrespectfully catching his employees breaking dozens of laws. “You don’t see us holding the president accountable for the mind-boggling amount of laws he breaks on a daily basis, now do you,” commented House Speaker Paul Ryan.
President Trump took to Twitter to decry what he saw as FBI prejudice:
Several Trump officials agreed that US law enforcement had overstepped their boundaries by doing their jobs, but declined to comment on the veracity of any crimes mentioned in the memo.
“Wait, he didn’t say anything in that memo about stealing women’s shoes, did he,” asked a profusely sweating Stephen Miller.
