TORONTO – Since Kathleen Wynne’s program providing free prescription drugs for Ontarians aged twenty-four and under launched this month, the province has reported a sharp increase in fake ID purchases from people over twenty-five.
Pharmacist Dr. Ophelia Lee says she’s noticed some unexpected customers redeeming free prescriptions over the past few weeks: “Either some of these people are in their fifties, or they’ve lived a really hard first few decades. Like Macaulay Culkin circa 2004.”
Pharmacies across the province are reporting an influx of “under-25s” requesting medications typically associated with middle-age, including those for heartburn, back pain, erectile dysfunction, and mid-life-crisis-related motorcycle injuries.
To fight the emergence of prescription fraud, some pharmacies have begun to employ age-confirmation questionnaires, including questions like: “Name your top 5 youtubers”, “What is Jerry Seinfeld known for?” (acceptable answers: “The Bee Movie”, or “Who?”), and “rank these feminists in order of intersectionality.”
According to small business owner Sabrina “Scumbag” Saunders, the fake identification industry has suffered in recent years, as teens today are “total nerds”. Saunders lamented trends that have seen many teens switching from binge-drinking to prescription drug use, and from going out clubbing, to sitting at home in the dark snapchatting about social justice, adding: “everyone under 19 is a fucking loser”.
Saunders is hopeful that this fake-ID trend will last – she’s even made a profit for the first time in years. When asked what she plans to do with the money, Saunders replied that she’ll be putting it towards the $5000 cost of braces for her eight-year-old son.
