VANCOUVER, BC- Sources confirm local man Greg Lommens continues to contribute to the endangerment of his spirit animal, the loggerhead turtle.
“I was stoked when that quiz from Buzzfeed told me my spirit animal was an endangered turtle,” said Lommens, throwing the rings off a six pack into the ocean. “I’m all about that deep sea life. You should see how much I caught on my last fishing trip.”
Unfortunately, Lommens is not alone in committing spirit animal neglect. Dr. Wendy Moreau, a local shaman, says this trend is on the rise globally.
“A lot of people anger their spiritual protectors and run the risk of getting shitty guidance. At this rate the only animals will be spirits.”
Moreau also believes that the decline in non-spirit-animal population is the source of a related problem; spirit guide inadequacy.
“Because there are no longer enough snow leopards or red pandas to go around, we’re seeing a lot more people with rats and pigeons as spirit animals. And the only guidance they’re getting is how to find the cheese at the end of a maze.”
Despite popular scientific studies, Moreau does not believe synthetic animals such as Roombas can serve as surrogate spirit guides.
At press time, Lommens defended his current lifestyle by saying he currently gets enough compassion, patience and wisdom from his diet, which consists of an alarming amount of turtle meat.
