SILICON VALLEY – In a paradigm-changing announcement, Apple has confirmed that the new version of the iPhone will come already knowing everything there is to know about the unpleasant things your family tries to keep secret.
“It takes older iPhones take several months to learn which of your grandfathers was a crypto-nazi, or whether you’re keeping an insane cousin in the attic,” said Apple spokesperson Melinda Frances. “But thanks to the modern surveillance-industrial complex, your new phone already knows this stuff, and is too world-weary to judge you for it.”
Because your new phone shares the information with third-party apps, Rocket Man will now conveniently place you on the bus route where your father used to solicit prostitutes, and Stocks will recommend investing in the gold corporation where your board-member aunt turned a blind eye to the murder of indigenous activists.
“It really customizes the user experience,” said beta-tester Roland Takaheshi. “Now my phone knows that it’s not just Highway 7 I’m driving on, it’s the road where I ran over someone when I was 17, and then kept on driving.”
Apple spokespeople say knowledge like ‘you knew your mother’s Munchausen Syndrome by proxy contributed to your sister’s early death but never told anybody’ also helps Siri personalize recommendations, with only the slightest quaver in her voice.
“For example, Siri’s recommending this Eritrean restaurant,” Frances said. “Which is perfect, because I love Injera Bread, and also my great-great-grandfather was a slaver who did a lot of work in Eritrea.”
At press time, the launch had coincided with skyrocketing sales of other Apple products: sales that Apple says had nothing to do with the series of ‘winky face’ texts they had sent to all users.
