HAMILTON – After years of study, including extensive human trials and multiple data analysis models, a team of researchers at McMaster University have concluded that you are in fact to old to start learning karate.
“Our research conclusively demonstrates that, due to age, the neurons in your brain have started to die, leaving you cognitively unable to master new skills like a high leg kick ” said lead researcher Dr Laicks. “Also you look fucking ridiculous out there.”
Although there had been anecdotal evidence that you were too old to start learning karate, this is the first peer review study to conclusively prove it. It was commissioned after you were observed attempting a series of attempted physical activities including rock climbing, light jogging and playing basketball for more than a few minutes without getting winded.
After going to karate lessons 3 times a week for 6 months, researchers found that you were just as competent at karate as the control group that had done nothing for 6 months. In some cases members of the control group were actually better at Karate because of higher fitness levels and better hand eye co ordination.
“I could have told you that you’re too old to take karate.” said 6 six year old and classmate Raphee Jenkk “we’re all really scared we’re going to hurt you.”
Your Sensei, 22 year old, Sarah Xiao disputes the findings of the study. “Just because you’re too old to learn the physical skills and abilities that make up karate doesn’t mean you can’t learn the words used to describe some of the things you can’t do.”
Etobicoke Dojo and Spin Classes have released a statement that all class fees are non-refundable regardless of academic findings.
The study also incidentally found that you are too young to start doing Tai Chi in the park.
