TORONTO – Each and every single woman on the planet is crazy, according to research from Paul, a broken-down wreck of a human male.
“Newsflash, uh, women are crazy,” said Paul, laughing far too loudly at his own joke while compulsively wringing his fingers. “They’re so high-strung.”
Paul also claims it’s impossible to understand why women do the things they do, even though he himself spends most of his life trying to be like the male figures who made his childhood a living misery.
“They’re always trying to talk about their feelings,” said Paul, who is incapable of talking about his own. “Why not act rationally, and just suffer in silence?”
But while Paul, who cannot make eye-contact with his father and eats frozen chicken nuggets for most of his dinners, seems to need others to think he knows what he’s talking about, many aren’t convinced.
“No, Paul did not break up with me because I was crazy,” said Laura Valdman, who Paul spends an obsessive amount of time describing as ‘insane’ on a variety of social media platforms. “I broke up with him because he kept accidentally calling me by the name of his first grade music teacher.”
Sources close to Paul rejected these arguments as ‘emotional’, seconds before knocking everything off their desk and punching a hole in the wall.
