DALLAS – Chester Sutton, a precocious 8 year old at Robert Lee elementary has advised his parents and teachers that when he grows up he wants to be in charge of drafting laws that tell women what they can and cannot do with their bodies.
“Most of the kids tell you they’re going to be a firefighter or professional athlete,” said his teacher Ms. Worthington. “But when it was Chester’s turn he said right away that he will be the one making access to abortion so difficult that many women will have to travel out of state just to have one.”
“Then he stared at me without blinking for quite some time” she added.
Chester, whose bedroom is adorned with posters of Mike Pence and who proudly displays his copy of a defeated bill to fund HPV vaccines (signed by Orrin Hatch) on his bookshelf, has recently been trying to convince his friends to abandon their regular game of Cops and Robbers in favour of one he invented called Planned Parenthood Protest.
“I’m sure this is just a phase. I mean, how many of the kids who say they’re going to be astronauts actually do it?” Asked mom Nancy.
However Chester had already been observed measuring the skirt lengths of several of his classmates before advising them they should dress more modestly to “avoid trouble.”
At press time Chester was planning on handing out Valentine’s Day cards that read “Will you sign a purity pledge: Yes? No? Maybe?”
